Friday, January 27, 2012

Note to self

You are always alone. There are people. But you are always alone.

A truth that I have been refusing to accept. And with age, the wisdom(!!!) has come to accept the reality. To say to myself that shit remains shit and that I should move on.

To accept that love changes, love diminishes, love dies. But you can move on. Heartbreaks aren't permanent. It might hurt longer, leave a scar but it is not permanent. You can find your old sweetheart on FB, looking perfectly happy with his 2 kids. And yet know he hasn't forgotten you just by the way he tries so hard to stay out of your life.

That there is no absolute freedom. Only degrees of it. And that most of the constraints come from within.

11 years ago there was one such moment when I decided that I am not taking shit anymore and that I will do exactly as I please. And I did. For about 2 years, everything was happy and hungover. But I wasn't prepared for the loneliness that freedom came with.

You can't please yourself and everyone else. I paid a price. But I didn't learn anything. Rather refused to learn. (Something about teacher's kids being dumb eh)

But this time I am older and wiser (!!!) and I do know to pick my battles. And I do know loneliness comes with the territory. I plan to find a way to circumvent it. No fight, no ignoring.

I hope that I move on. Not capitulate.

You are always alone. There are people. But you are always alone.


whizkid said...

:) We live and learn. One long process of trail and error.
good luck with everything.

Abhipraya said...

:) Thanks Whizkid. I need that luck. BIG TIME.