Saturday, December 03, 2011


I was not close to her. But we had our moments in the year that we spent together. Her happy, sarcastic, funny, witty self, hid a lot of anger and frustration but she didn't let it come in the way of life.

I saw her on and off a few times in the last 9 years. We made umpteen plans to meet up in the last two years but they never materialised.

All her excuses sounded just that, excuses. Then she visited me a month ago. We talked about things that were of little consequence. She was unhappy I could tell. I knew things were not right. I had heard rumours of depression, attempts at fixing a broken marriage. I knew about her desperation to get back into the 'mainstream' career. But I also knew she was a proud woman who held it all together. The seemingly happy marriages and great careers didn't really make her comfortable enough to confide, reach out. I made no real attempt to reach out either.

For the first time in my life, I told myself this is not my battle, I have too many things to sort out for myself. Surely she has made other friends over the years whom she can reach out to?

But then I heard last Monday that she decided to end it all. She apparently made one last phone call to her husband, said this is it. And that was that. In her own spotless home, surrounded by happy marriage pictures she tied that noose around her neck. An image that refuses to go away.

I was never close to her. But it breaks my heart to think that she had no one to reach out to.

People tell me when you are on the brink of it you don't really want to reach out. Friends and family don't matter. I don't believe that.

May be I am kidding myself by thinking I should've reached out and that may be she would've reciprocated.

But for now all I can think of is how she was sitting across me holding my little girl and I was telling myself it is not my battle.

People also tell me that she may be in a better place now. Are you at peace S?


Shruthi said...

I think I read in the papers about the person you are talking about. I am so sorry.

Many times in our lives we distance ourselves from somebody's problems because it overwhelms us. And very rarely it ends this way. I am sure you are feeling terrible now, but please don't beat yourself up over this......

whizkid said...

yes, don't berate yourself.
que sera sera.