S

I was not close to her. But we had our moments in the year that we spent together. Her happy, sarcastic, funny, witty self, hid a lot of anger and frustration but she didn't let it come in the way of life.

I saw her on and off a few times in the last 9 years. We made umpteen plans to meet up in the last two years but they never materialised.

All her excuses sounded just that, excuses. Then she visited me a month ago. We talked about things that were of little consequence. She was unhappy I could tell. I knew things were not right. I had heard rumours of depression, attempts at fixing a broken marriage. I knew about her desperation to get back into the 'mainstream' career. But I also knew she was a proud woman who held it all together. The seemingly happy marriages and great careers didn't really make her comfortable enough to confide, reach out. I made no real attempt to reach out either.

For the first time in my life, I told myself this is not my battle, I have too many things to sort out for myself. Surely she has made other friends over the years whom she can reach out to?

But then I heard last Monday that she decided to end it all. She apparently made one last phone call to her husband, said this is it. And that was that. In her own spotless home, surrounded by happy marriage pictures she tied that noose around her neck. An image that refuses to go away.

I was never close to her. But it breaks my heart to think that she had no one to reach out to.

People tell me when you are on the brink of it you don't really want to reach out. Friends and family don't matter. I don't believe that.

May be I am kidding myself by thinking I should've reached out and that may be she would've reciprocated.

But for now all I can think of is how she was sitting across me holding my little girl and I was telling myself it is not my battle.

People also tell me that she may be in a better place now. Are you at peace S?

Mumbai yet again

I have never come close to the terror that Mumbai and its people (and thousands of others right from Kashmir to the North East) have had to live with. I hope I don't have to. And I hope this is last time I have to wonder about how those people felt.

But I do wonder how hard it must be for them. 2 weeks ago Kumar Sangakkara (yes the cricketer from Sri Lanka) delivered a spectacular speech at the MCC on terror and cricket in his country. Everything he said was so profound and genuine, but this line stayed with me - 'parents would take separate buses so that should anything happen, at least one of them will go back to the children.' I cannot think about it without a lump in my throat. That line kept kept coming back to me as I watched inexperienced and experienced journalists ask stupid questions to people who hadn't had time to wash off the dust from all the blasts.

All those people who died yesterday...so many dreams, so many hopes and probably some bitterness came to an end. And someone else decided to end it for them. We'll never know who, why or probably even how.

This is not the post i started out to write. I was generally thinking about all the hoopla around Mumbai forgetting the fears and stepping out and wondering about my own fears. But that list (yes a long one at that) is silly compared what the people of Mumbai and elsewhere feel in a the face of constant fear.

Of all the rhetoric that's floating around, This one made a lot of sense. Battered housewife is a perfect if unacceptable analogy.

And so another Monday went by

Discovered interesting things about a colleague today. Dunno what to make of all the information I have on hand. But glad I know better. I don't think ignorance is bliss when it comes to knowing people.

I am looking for a break on how to take Just Femme forward. That's all I've been thinking about for a while now.

That and how to make the days stretch longer than 24 hours. Neither of the problems are yielding at this point in time.

This week in a few words. OK! Sentences

Death of two gold fish. Never again am I bringing them fish into this house! It is too sad :(

Rediscovering music. Bade Ghulam Ali Khan and Beatles no less :) It makes me insanely happy :)

Lovely books for company. Inspiring. have you seen this? That's were I keep track of my book reads. Psst do check out my reading list. Very thrilled about it.

Bonding with Miss T like never before. It is actually so much fun to talk to her.

Sunday is promising to be very exciting since V is back after 2 weeks.

Now if only I could rediscover the trick to trick the writer's block outta my head...

Monday at home

Traffic was piled up practically to my door step. I'd had a rough morning with Miss T with lot of yelling,kicking, and crying so I decided to work from home. Not surprisingly I am more productive at home than I am in the office. I browse lesser. I spend less time on FB and Twitter :)

But it felt so wonderful to receive T when she got back from school :) She didn't jump in joy or any such thing. But she was content. Monday office ilva (No office on Monday?) she said :) The context being me trying to explain that the only day she and I and V can spend the whole day together is when there's no office or school which is only on Saturday and Sunday. And so Monday thuuusday ella school chennagilla is what I hear every morning. (Monday, Tuesday etc., there's school. It is not nice).

Oh my beloved Sankey Road

In the late 90s this was the road that I'd take to and from work for many years. There wasn't crazy traffic like now. The wait at the Bhashyam circle signal couldn't have been more than 5 min.

But what excited me the most was the drive from Bhashyam circle on to Sankey Road at sunset. It was a 5 minute drive overall but the one I used to plan very carefully and wait for all day. I couldn't do it too often since my office ended after sunset on most days. But I managed to drive down that road at least once a week. What a glorious sight that was. Calm, quiet drive down the road with bright orange sun rippling the lake. I'd even turn back at Malleshwaram 18th cross junction just to do the drive all over again.

For a brief period the signals from MG Road to Raj bhavan was synchronised and if I planned it right I could cruise along the entire stretch...driving into the sunset literally. The orange sun in my eyes all along, playing hide and seek against the silhouetted trees.

Now I dread to even occasionally venture on to MG Road or Sankey road.

MG Road has lost many trees to Metro and today Sankey Road's losing its trees to road widening. The localites however are not interested in road widening.

Where is this going to stop I wonder.

Wednesday is here

Action ready

Action Tuesday

Invigorating
Proactive

Monday Mutterings

Sleepy
Love
Clueless

Tired Thursday

Tired

Twisted Tuesday

Incredulous
Outrage
Sad
Disconnect
Fatigue
Twisted

Monday Mutterings

Yeah the title should tell you i've run out of real words! But here it goes.

Guilt
Boredom
Disgust
Hunger
Excitement
Resignation

Friday Fundas

Fear
Happiness
Tasty
Disappointment
Worry
Eager
Determined

All that in one day and technically the day is not over yet.

Thursday Tantrums

Words for the day:

Boxed
Frustrated
Intrigued
Incredulous
Smile
Angry

PS: I have had a writer's block for more than a year now. But I shall take baby steps. Will write down one word at a time, everyday. And some day hopefully words will tumble out and make sentences. Till then Roll the dice.

Very WTF phase

Everything that canNOT go wrong is going wrong.

Save for Miss T's mostly joyous ruckus.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Writer's block isn't helping.